Animal Sexing!

I give up with sexing animals, as I seem to be the worst in the world at this task. I now have so many animals with complexes, due to having the wrong name. Not only do we have ducks that are called strange female names when they are in fact males, but the kittens are the same.

When the mechanic arrived with the box of kittens, all those weeks ago, I expertly sexed them. I came to the conclusion that we had two boys and a girl. Names were chosen, and one of the boys was called Sebastian, although we do call him Sebby.

Thank god we do, as when playing on my lap the other day, having his tummy rubbed as you do, I noticed that Sebby, was missing something vital that would make him a boy. Oh s**t not again, how do I get it wrong so many times! So, our little Sebby is now Sabrina, thankfully he/she knows no different!

Half the Battle is Believing!

There is a huge amount of power in believing in someone or something, and I don't think that we should ever criticise this fact. It shouldn't matter if you agree with what they believe in, as long as they aren't hurting anyone, and on that profound statement on to Soursop's.

Like millions of people I had never heard of Soursop fruit until someone posted a link onto FB. Good old FB only slightly less powerful than Google, but thinks it is God. http://www.whydontyoutrythis.com/2013/02/soursop-fruit-natural-cancer-killer-stronger-than-chemo.html

Anyway, someone posted a link about this strange fruit, and I realised that this was the fruit that I had been driving over for a year. Yes, yes, shame on me that I was not knowledgeable enough to know every fruit in the world when I moved into Casa Chaos.

Especially as this fruit is frankly ugly, it has very little going for it, but apparently it has superfood powers. There are a huge number of people that believe this fruit has many benefits regarding the prevention and treatment of cancer.

With this knowledge, I suddenly felt humble that I grow these fruit, and although I'm not sure if I believe they have superfood powers, I have no issue with other people believing. I currently give the leaves to a lady who I admire for her strength and courage as she battles daily with the information that her husband has cancer.

I have no idea what I would do in her situation, and by giving her the leaves to make tea, I feel I am in some way helping her. But for now the ugly fruit are growing, and the demands for them when they ripen are increasing. Who would have thought this ugly green fruit with the soft smelly interior would be so popular!

Did I mention it is Mango Season

At this time of year Casa Chaos is even more chaotic as the demand for mangos increases, yet the number of hours in a day remains the same. I wish that during the summer months the day was extended to at least 36 hours. This would allow me to be able to get everything done, and not fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day.

I am flattered that so many people want to purchase my humble mangos, but unfortunately my work load has not decreased, which has led to an outbreak of zombie mango picking. You may wonder what zombie mango picking is, well it is where I am dead on my feet picking mangos like a robot.

I still find it amusing that a fruit I don't like, and that causes me months of itching helps to pay the bills, so long live the mango! Well roll on the winter is the other hope, where I can get sleep, not itch and not smell that sickly smell of mango's everywhere I go.

But for now, off I go to pick the mangos....box the mangos....deliver the mangos....and repeat..pick the mangos...box the mangos..deliver the mango's....

I am Going to Kill Them!

There are several things that I love about living in GC, however, there are also many things that I hate. School holidays is one that is top of my list as the kids have 81 yes 81 days off. This number is stupid, and the person who decided this obviously has no children.

We now have 50 days left to go, and I am at breaking point, no amount of coffee or breathing is going to get me through the next 50 days. At day 20 a friend advised that I locked away the gun, and all sharp objects. I laughed at this suggestion, but 31 days into my sentence I can see she was a wise lady.

The problem is with the holidays is the kids are bored, and when they are bored they want to annoy everyone, everything and each other. This also includes me, so there is a lot of shouting, tension, and basically the holidays are hell. I have a friend Miss S who is insane, as she loves the holidays, has all these things planned, and hates it when the kids go back to school.

Maybe I am a bad mother, or I just love routine, either way the next 50 days are going to be tough. I need to continue to step away from the sharp objects, and continue the deep breathing! 50 days is not long.....YEAH RIGHT its an eternity!

It Was Only a Bit of Duck Poo!

My car is our lifeline, and when it breaks I get stressed, so recently it had to go the garage, which meant that we needed to hire a car. My philosophy on car hire is cheap please, I don't care what it is, as long as it drives and is cheap. When you hire a car here you are given a long list of does and don't which include, no excess amounts of sand, no wet people, and no off roading.

All of the above was fine, until I realised that the barranco may be considered off road, oh well, I will drive slowly! So, the hire car was used as our car is every day to ferry children, animals, feed, hubby to work, and parked every day in the drive, where the ducks use it as a look out post.

My car came back, and it was time to return the car, it was still in one piece and their was enough petrol in it, well just enough. I pulled up outside the car hire place, and the guy wanted to inspect the car!

This is where my problems started, he moaned there was dog hair in the back, shit I hadn't noticed that, but in all fairness no dogs was not on his list. As he stepped back from the car, I suddenly realised that a week of ducks had taken its toll on the car.

The look on his face was priceless as he asked where the hell the car had been, I innocently said in my drive. He pointed to the roof and made this spluttering sound, I simply said, "oh that the ducks have been sat on the roof". This pushed him over the edge, and he begun to rant about hire cars were not for ducks, which of course is logical, as they couldn't reach the pedals.

Well, after a 10 minute lecture, and the threat of a 50€ fine for the mess to the car, I found myself at the local garage washing and vacumming the car! Grumbling to myself, as I really didn't see the problem, it was only a bit of duck poo!

Had he never had a car returned with duck poo on the roof, well in all fairness he probably hasn't, but that wasn't the point. All cleaned and shiny I returned the car, and run off before he could moan about anything else!

Well She Wasn't a Virgin!

When you agree to take other people's animals, you can never tell what surprises they may give you. So, how shocked was I when I discovered that my sweet, innocent new female rabbit had given birth to bunnies. Ok, this was the end result I wanted, however, she was obviously pregnant when she arrived as the timeline doesn't fit.

Blatantly Rosie was not a virgin, and she has had some fun before arriving at Casa Chaos. Oh well, baby bunnies it is then, there are three of them, and lets see what happens. At the moment she is showing very little interest in the small, ugly, wriggling babies.

On the note of rabbits, if you are passing Casa Chaos and you see a strange looking rabbit running around, tell it to come home. Nicole has decided that life outside bunny corner is far more interesting! She returns every day for food, so very similar to a child really!

Feeding the Ducks

I am convinced that there are a huge amount of stupid people on this island, and they aren't leaving any time soon. I know I can be sarcastic, but many of the things that I say, you can tell that I am joking. Well, I always thought you could until the other day when a lady believed I got ducks because I was too lazy to walk to the local duck pond.

I have begun to let more people visit Casa Chaos which is my first fault I do believe. They come in and do ooo's and arrrrr's and then ask stupid questions. How I answer entirely depends on my mood that day, some people get the truth and others get a ridiculous line, which is blatantly sarcastic.

This particular day was a hot, long day so when this lady asked why I decided to get ducks, I replied with:

"Well, I love feeding the ducks at the local pond, but cannot be bothered to walk there, so I bought my own ducks" "saves on petrol, effort and time, I can grab some bread, sit on the bench, voile feeding the ducks with no effort at all"

At this point I expected a reaction, a laugh or something, but this lady simply said " Oh WOW what a fantastic idea, how clever" now I did think for a split second that she was playing me at my own game and was being sarcastic back. However, she really isn't that intelligent and I realised that she had believed me.

Can the UFO that dropped all these stupid people PLEASE come back for them, as although they are fun to play with, they are becoming tiresome!

Don't Mess with the Goat!

Since Rico departed the goats have been far calmer, and Jack has even attempted friendly. However, he showed yesterday that he is a powerful animal, and friendly is not in his nature. Mornings are always manic here, as everything wants food NOW. There are animals that will wait patiently, and others that simply will not, the goats are in this list.

As I went down jack was out, and had a pissed off look on his face, I was late feeding him and he was going to make sure I knew. Being half asleep and with no coffee running through my veins, Jack caught me off guard. He hooked his horn around my leg and attempted to push me back down the stairs.

I must admit I don't cry often but the shock combined with the pain was intense, and just as he had backed off, he came again. There was no mistaking that Jack was pissed off, and he wanted to let me know. As he flung me down the stairs I retreated and admitted that he was far tougher than me.

The problem with all animals is that we forget they are animals, and not just our pets which make them unpredictable, and at times dangerous. So, nursing my injuries, I am avoiding the goats for a while, and remembering that an animal that size will always win.

Excuse my white leg, no time for sunbathing...

DIY Flycatchers

Flies they have always been an issue in GC, even before we moved to Casa Chaos. They are othing like English flies that hover around the lightbulb in the middle of the room. These are dive bombing flies that head for your ears, and eyes, and are generally a giant pain in the arse.

I have spent years trying different ideas, and to be honest very few work, however, someone told me about the wine bottle one, which peaked my interest. Firstly because it involved drinking most of the wine, which is always a good idea! Secondly because it involved mango's which I have plenty of here!

Any old wine will do, but as I had to drink 3/4 bottle I thought it better be wine that I liked. SO, after a few glasses at the end of a long day, I saved the remaining few inches for operation kill fly. All I had to do was peel some mangos, drop the peel into the bottle and voile one fly catcher.

The concept is that the smell of the fermenting fruit attracts the flies, they fly into the bottle and are either too drunk or too stupid to fly out! The problem is that I need more than one fly catcher, so I think a heavy drinking session is needed. Why am I thinking that is a problem!

Summer is Here!

With the hotter months here it can only mean one thing...I spend my whole time moaning about the heat, trying to stay indoors, and avoid everything and everyone. However, this rarely happens, as I spent yesterday mending fences, picking mangos and chasing chickens.

Yes, the mangos are ready so I spent two hours picking mangos in horrible heat, knowing that I will itch for days. I also spent over an hour chasing a chicken that had decided that chicks in the orchard was a good idea. Finally she was caught, all chicks in maternity wing for her to fly out followed in Houdini fashion by the chicks.

As much as harsh winters are hard for the people all over the world, the summer months here are tough. Nothing gets done properly as the heat drains every ounce of energy. You can spend a huge amount of time on one task because you are hot, irritable and just want to find shade.

So, excuse the moany Monday blog, but I'm hot already and its only 7am, and roll on those cooler months when I can moan that it is too cold in Casa Chaos.

Goat Transportation

Well, finally I found Rico a home, and no it wasn't on someone's dinner table however, tempting that would have been. Some guys wanted him as a pet, thankfully not in an apartment but on a finca. In initial discussions they asked if Rico would sit on the back seat of their car, at this point I realised I was going to have to transport him.

Telling hubby that I was going to transport Rico in the car was never going to be easy, however, providing the facts of take the goat or the goat stayed he agreed taking the goat was the way forward. Arrangements were made, times set, but this meant I had to work out how to transport him with as little damage to my car.

I knew Rico was good on a lead, so had decided that I would clip him down in a similar way to the dogs. There you go sorted, until hubby mentioned the two bloody great horns that Rico now has on his head. OH F**k now what, I have a glass back windscreen and I did not need Rico's horns going through it.

Goat transportation horn muffs were needed, and I knew just the thing. So, off son went to  pop the collar and lead onto Rico and just as he reached the car on went the horn muffs! They worked brilliantly, and I think they should be patented. Rico went to his new home, and for that split second I felt sad, and then I remembered how quiet it used to be in the goat enclosure!

Catching the Chicken!

Ok, I may be no expert, but I am pretty sure that catching a chicken should never be as difficult as when catching vicious Mama. I had stupidly left it too long, therefore, she had escaped the small compost heap in favour for the drive. This meant that catching her would be a nightmare.

I actually then left her in the drive for at least two days, warning hubby as he went to work, "please, don't drive over the chicks" with his reply of "why, don't you just move them" PAH, little did he know this was a task that needed all of us, safety gear, and a couple of rakes.

The crunch time came when Jake and Finn (the ducks) considered the little chicks to be food. So, I grabbed a rake, broom, cat carrier, hubby and son and decided that it was time to catch the kung foo kicking chicken. Even though she was attacked a while ago, this chicken can still Kung Foo kick and she means it when she is protecting her babies.

There was no getting her in the box, and I sure as hell was not getting close enough to catch her, so there was only one thing for it....send the small child in to steal the chicks. My excuse was he was smaller, and far more agile, the reality was I pay the bills and am far more use alive than dead.

Eventually he kidnapped the chicks, and at the speed of light ran for the maternity wing, with vicious Mama closely behind. Her and her offspring were safely behind the fence, and we could all breathe a sigh of relief...until the next time!