Sunday, 22 March 2015

Do You Want Cock?

Many of my Spanish friends will type in English to me when we are talking, this seems to achieve two things, it helps them to improve their English, and provides me with a daily chuckle. I admire the fact that they want to improve their second language, and it is never their fault when I sit with my phone in my hand chuckling like a schoolgirl.

So, my phone went off and there was a message from Mrs C, who on the whole is excellent at speaking in English, and typically causes no major outbursts. However, anyone that sends me "Do you want cock?" is going to get a line of laughing faces back. This typically does offend the Spanish, as they often don't understand why the laughing faces, but come on Do you want Cock was always going to create that answer.

Mrs C then came back with "What? What did I say wrong?" I explained that it was nothing, just my crap foreign humor, however, Mrs C is one to Google and learn, so the next thing that came back was " Cock,,,Rooster...Correct?" yes , yes I replied, and then the screenshot came, faster than lightening she had googled cock!

All I could think was what Google did she use, and OMG what a definition, she clearly at this point understood my laughing faces emoticon. Mrs C was mortified that she had asked if I wanted the male reproductive organ, and I explained it was fine, maybe just a little early for a rough bent up cock! 

The next photo she sent was of the cock.... all was revealed, I agreed to take the cock, and there ended the English lesson for that day!

Friday, 13 March 2015

Coffee the Magical Substance that Can Save Your Life

I always thought that Americans drink a lot of coffee, however, the Spanish rank right at the top, as they consume a lot throughout the day. The also have a fantastic ability of making up new coffees at all times, which will often cause confusion when in a local bar. Many Spanish drink dark, strong coffee that really can wake the dead. This leaves us foreigners the delight of a cafe con leche, and in fact this was the first thing I learnt to say in Spanish.

If you know me, you will know I love coffee, in fact I drink a lot, which is often cause for concern for many people. However, I can assure you you should worry more if the coffee runs out in my house! I don't consider my coffee drinking to be an overindulgence, in fact it it healthy for you to drink a lot of coffee!

I am often told that high levels of coffee will kill me, this is a huge myth and even drinking the quantity I do will not bring the grim reaper knocking on my door any time soon. I am also told that I will become a nervous wreck from all the caffeine, and although there are days when I am twitchy , I am never nervous.

The smell of coffee in fact relaxes me, if I walk into a room where the coffee is brewing I have an overwhelming calm feeling. Coffee stimulates the nervous system, therefore, if you want me to be calm, pop some coffee on before I arrive. In a recent study sleep deprived rats were calmer after catching the aroma of freshly brewed coffee... I know how they feel...

Coffee is also a fantastic way to produce order in my life, it is a small but effective ritual that happens several times a day. However, coffee must be served in just the right way, Some people simply do not get this fact! It is not just a cup of coffee it is MY cup of coffee. So, if you want to get on my good side, ensure that my day goes well, and that there are no dead bodies....brew coffee, and take the time to sit and drink this amazing cup of liquid sanity!

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

One Long Easter Egg Hunt

When the fence came down from the chicken area, we all thought this would make life easier, and everyone would be happy. We thought this was a great way to ensure that the eggs were really free range, and I stupidly believed that the chickens would continue to lay in the boxes!

However, in a short space of time, I am now wishing the fences were back up, it is like having an army of small feathers troops ready to annoy and destroy. They go everywhere, I find chickens in the stables, duck house, under my car, and quite often tormenting the dogs.

Although egg production is good, we spend half the day picking up random eggs, as the chickens lay EVERYWHERE. If there is a gap, bucket, bin, feed bucket, or bag they are in there laying. So every day we go off with a bucket, and collect eggs from every last inch of the property. The other issue is that the chickens now let them selves in and out, a bit like a wayward teenager.

Some are incredibly rebellious, and do not go to bed until dark, and others are up before it is light.... maybe it is the same chicken and it just never sleeps. ALL I do know is that they always turn up for food, again like a teenager. So to fence or not to fence...... hmmm the debate continues!

Friday, 20 February 2015

One Man A Pig and a Goose

I am well known in the area as the crazy lady who takes animals, but there are some occasions when even I say NO! As everyone knows I am often in bed well before my children, unfortunately the Spanish never understand this and feel 9pm is a suitable time to be sat outside my gates.... hand on horn!

The other night Mr P turned up, placed hand on horn, and kept it there until we appeared, this was my first issue, closely followed by the fact it was dark and cold. We didn't even have time to do hello's and how are you's before he launched in to I have a pig for you!

The next 20 minutes were strange even by my standards....

ME: A pig?
Mr P: yes a pig, in my car, for you
ME: I dont want a pig
Mr P: Take the pig
ME: I dont want a pig
Mr P Take the pig
ME: You take the pig
Mr P What am I supposed to do with a pig
ME: errrr what am I supposed to with a pig
Mr P let it loose in the stables
ME: not happening
Mr P so, you are not taking the pig
ME: where did you get the pig
Mr P I " borrowed" it from....... (cannot be named sorry lol)
ME: well return it
Mr P how?
ME: presumably the same way you took it
Mr P but we may be caught!
ME: You are worrying about this now when you have a pig on the backseat of your car in the middle of the night!!

At this point Mr P walked round to the boot of his car, opened it...looked in and said " I presume you dont want the goose either" Head in hands I walked off, wondering how the hell they had managed to get a pig and goose out of a well known place on the island, and why the hell they thought it was a good idea to do so, and bring them to me. Therefore, please be warned, I may just say no and leave you holding the PIG!

Sunday, 15 February 2015


We had the call...the battery farm were releasing the off we went armed with boxes, and our hand full of pennies for these long suffering birds. I wanted 40 chickens, this is never enough for the amount that will be killed, but it is my way of helping. These chickens are yet another animal that has become the victim of a throw away world.

So, with my chickens boxes, and in the car off we went, and in typical of my life fashion i was in a rush. I had about 20 minutes to do 100 things, and get the chickens integrated in with the others. Now, I have read all the excellent advice about placing new chickens in a separate area, allowing new and old to merge slowly etc etc what did I do, pulled up in the property and emptied boxes of chickens onto the floor.

Now before everyone goes in to one about not doing it correctly, when have you ever known me do anything correctly! Also chickens are heavy, and they were fine, they all stood in a huddle surrounded by other chickens, rabbits and goats....with a look of WTF. With the chickens integrated in record fast speeds, I leap back in my car to continue with jobs 70-100..

When I returned the chickens had moved.....they were all lined up along the fence....laying eggs...hmmmm not quite the way it is done girls, but hey at least they are laying!

Sunday, 8 February 2015

REALLY!!! Do we Honestly Need Snow!

Following the tradition of ex pats whinging about the weather, I find myself doing it again. As temperatures have not risen, and the threat of colder temperatures are printed, my mood deteriorates. Even the words snow have been mentioned, which is simply unacceptable, and I will die! Ok, maybe not, and even a close friend informed me I was being a drama Queen, however, do we really need snow?

The thing that gets me the most, and maybe due to the fact I have a short temper at the moment, is people in the UK stating "oh its not as cold as here" and "it cant be that cold" Errr hello I am living in these temperatures, so please do not tell me it is not that cold. The biggest issue that people in their nice cosy houses with their central heating on full blast fail to realize, is we do not have heating.

Not only do I not have heating, but I have holes in my goat shed, not massive ones, but holes that ensure every bit of cold air enters. This means that at the moment, even the onion plan does not work, and I have become more of a giant pumpkin than an onion. I have at least 4 layers on all day, and all night, only adding, never taking away.

So with the fact that I can never get warm, the weather people then decided to announce snow is due..... Now before everyone starts, I know they do not mean in resort! However, I do not live in resort, so to be honest I don't care. What I do care about is that I am up a mountain, in the cold, with the threat of snow.

Therefore, I would like to announce that if someone finds my frozen corpse due to dying of the was nice knowing you all. I leave the Unicorns to the voice of reason...and the goats to Mr J.......

Sunday, 1 February 2015

Horses are like Crisps.......You Can Never Have Just One!

The unicorn has been here nearly a year, and although there have been tough times with him, he is part of our family. I had never ruled out the idea of getting another horse, mainly as a companion for Magic, but also had to consider the extra cost. Alongside the cost, there is the fact that I do not have enough time to brush my hair these days, let alone cope with more animals.

Then I received the phone call, now my phone rings all day, with people asking me to take their animals, mainly dogs. I have learnt to be hard, and say NO....although this does not always happen. The power of social media and technology in our lives, means that people back their requests up with photos. So, when I am asked to help a horse that needs somewhere to go, there was no real doubt I was going to say no.

The photos I was sent were of an old, worn down horse, who simply deserved better, why should he not live his days being loved, fed and respected. The horse turned out to be 18, and had been owned by an old Spanish man who had to leave his home, and move to a retirement place. This was not his choice, but his head strong family thought they knew what was best.

Over the years he had allowed headcollers to remain on the horse for far too long, he had been left to go hungry when there was no food, and his joints had got stiff from never leaving his small make shift home. I agreed to take the horse, and from that moment his life changed, people commented that he was not skin and bone, and did he need "saving".

I think this raises the question, of what does need saving in the world, you can have the strongest person or animal, yet they are incredibly unhappy. Happiness and good health are not measured by the condition of your skin, or how much you eat, it is measured by a deep feeling inside.

Was the horse unhappy, who knows, all I do know is he has regular food, gets to roll in the dirt, and live with no expectations at all. There are far too many people that rescue animals, horses in particular to use for riding, old rescue horses are used as they are often cheap. It is a sad world we live in that rescue animals are used for commercial gain, and not simply allowed to be happy and retire in peace.

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

How Cold?

This winter has been strange, one minute it is hot, the next wet, and then we plummet to sub zero temperatures, ok maybe not, however, it has been very cold. I hate the cold, and it hates me, one of the reasons I left the UK was to escape the cold, yet it appears to be following me!

I am a cold blooded, some would say I have a rock instead of a heart, oh well, still alive, but this winter it has been harsh. Although the temperatures are not minus anything, it has dropped to below 10c in areas which is unheard of here in GC. This has resulted in me becoming an onion, yes an onion, and ensuring that I have at least five layers on at any given time.

There have even been nights where I have crawled into bed in my jumpers, do not judge until you feel the cold! The onion process is good, I leave the house in the morning typically wearing five layers, byt the time I have driven down the mountain one comes off. Hitting the motorway causes another to be removed, and by the time I reach the south, there are clothes all over my car.

The process is repeated throughout the day, layers on, layers off....this is the way I have coped with the last few months, and it is effective. So next time you see me and you think I have put on weight, nope it is simply the layers! Roll on summer, when I can moan how hot it is here!

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Free Ranging!

My unicorn is far from magical, and it tests my patience on a daily basis, he often ends up where he shouldn't and has no boundaries at all. The other day we went out, no where exciting, just away from the chaos, which is always a bad thing to do. Within an hour, my phone rang, Magic was in the chicken pen..... no if you know my property, you will know that the chicken pen is a 6ft chain link fence, cemented into the ground with poles.

So, of course my next question was how the hell he was in the chicken pen, to be told that he had simply walked through it, taking the fence, wall, poles, and cement with him. Before you ask, nope nothing scared him, he simply wanted the chicken feed. In his desire to get to the feeder, he has demolished a whole fence, and got stuck.

Eventually the small people managed to return Magic to where he should be, but the fence was no more. When I returned, I simply shook my head and kept walking, the fence could wait until morning. The next day the debate started, do we rebuild, make stronger, or design another fence. At this point I honestly thought what the hell, lets just take down the fence. Magic had done most of the work, and what is the worst that could happen having 50 chickens wandering around the property.

So, the fence came down, the chickens came out.......and they went no where, they were so used to being in the fence that they did not venture anywhere. Well for the first few days at least, we now have animals everywhere. When you walk in to our property, you will notice that the cats, goats, chickens, ducks, horses and even the rabbits are out and about.

Saturday, 3 January 2015

Rotting Corpses!

The other night when the builder was here it occurred to me that we had not heard the neighbours for a while, she has such a distinctive voice, a bit like nails on a blackboard that there is no mistaking when she is around. A discussion then begun about what to do if they were dead, of course they could not be on holiday, they had to be dead.

I mentioned that if they were dead, and we found their rotting corpses, I would take my roof back that he stole, the builder took that one step further and commented, if there were rotting corpses take everything! By the time he had left I had wound myself up into a state believing that both pedro his annoying wife and all the animals were dead!

The next day we begun to plan "operation dead Pedro" now to be honest I didn't care if he had departed this earth, I was worried for the animals. Therefore, I stood on our wall looking in to the property, but as his is some distance of us this was never going to work. Throughout the day we listened for her voice, the car, the annoying yappy dogs, and nothing.

So, I had no choice but to leap over the wall, into his property to begin my rotting corpse search. Now to say he lives in a house would be a lie, in fact his shed is worse than my goat shed, so there wasn't much to explore. I decided to find a window to look in, and all I could think was have you never heard of glass cleaner!

There I am peering through a dirty window, when suddenly I felt someone was watching me, oh yes Pedro was stood behind me with a look of WTF are you doing. As I turned and smiled sweetly, I begun to walk backwards really quickly, muttering "sorry I thought you were dead.....and you should really clean your windows" Both statements he was not impressed with at all, yet again I seemed to have failed at how to make friends with the neighbours!