Monday, 31 March 2014

Awesome Cock!

I can read Spanish to a level, and do try whenever possible to read websites etc in Spanish as it helps to make life easier in the country where they speak Spanish! However, there is something comforting, when you are tired, or simply cannot be bothered to have a computer that automatically translates the pages into your native language.

The downside is that computer packages can get it wrong, or translate something that is really badly translated. I was browsing a Spanish website that sells animals amongst other things, as I scrolled down the page was automatically translating. I stopped as there was a photo of a cockerel, and glanced to see the description.

At this point I found myself giggling, a lot like a schoolgirl, as the translation in big letters was "AWESOME COCK" it followed with "My cock is big and awesome, you must have it" More sniggering occurred, but like any grown women I continued reading!

"Big, powerful, and very healthy this awesome cock will be the best, if you want to see my cock please call I can send more photos!"

I must admit his cock did look impressive, but I refrained from asking for more photos. The giggling continued, and throughout the day I carried on sniggering as I thought about this awesome cock. So, if you ever want to brighten your day, just get the computer to translate a page or two and see what pops up, you too may find an awesome cock!

Thursday, 27 March 2014

How Heavy is the Scrap Metal?

Scrap metal is not something that I have ever had interest in, why would I, however, when we moved here there was a lot! Although I love to hoard things, and recycling is great, there comes a time when the HUGE pile of scrap needs to go.

As we are renovating old pig pens, there is a lot of scrap, and of course I knew that this would be worth something to someone. All I had to do was find that someone! One day driving down the motorway I spotted a massive sign, and did the oo oo oo oo noise.

My family typical cringe at this noise as it means I have come up with a crazy idea. However, I had just seen the number for "we buy scrap" so we called, and OMG what a headache. The guy was not only rude, but arrogant as well, which is always a firm favourite of mine!

He asked what metal it was, how the hell was I supposed to know, and didn't appreciate my answer of "metal" Again my knowledge of metal is limited, I can distinguish a gold ring from an iron bar but that is about it. Again he asked what metal, and again we said I have no idea.

At this point you know the conversation is going to be long! So we moved on to how much there was, and it went like this:

"How much of the unknown metal is there?"
"A lot"
"More specific"
"A big pile"
"In weight"
"how the hell am I supposed to know"
"well you need to weight it"
"what on the kitchen scales"

At this point we were both equally as pissed off, and the conversation was going no where fast! Although some would consider I was being difficult, how the hell was I supposed to weight a HUGE pile of scrap metal. Even Google wasn't helping!

So, I did what any sensible person would do....I made it up! I guessed, told him it was steel and there was 250KG.......this shut him up and he made the booking to pick it up. All was well, the guy turned up to collect, and then he told me that the metal was in fact iron and there was this point "tits and teeth" were needed again!

Monday, 24 March 2014

Road Block

Where we live you have to drive down the mountain, not literally, but the road is steep, and there are often big rocks blocking the road. In fact the other morning, I had to swerve a boulder, which was huge and thankfully was not blocking the road completely.

So when the school bus was late the other morning, I presumed that a land slide had occurred and they were trying to unblock the road. I left one child stood at the gates like a lost orphan, whilst I drove the other to her lift. 

As we came down the hill, I could see the bus in the distance, and still thought the problem was rocks. However, as I got closer, I discovered it wasn't rocks blocking the way, but goats! The bus could not encourage the goats to move, so I was heading down, the bus was heading up and the goats were in between us! 

Eventually we got them to move, everyone now late, and as the goats scurried up the side of the mountain, it became apparent how the rocks end up in the road. They are determined to block us in one way or another! 

Thursday, 20 March 2014

Honestly, it was Parrot Swearing not me!

Part of what I do in a day is related to animal  rescue, so I often get calls to collect animals to help them find their forever homes. Typically this is dogs and cats, however, the other day it was a parrot.

Now, I don't like birds, and I don't like parrots, but it is what I do, so I faced the problem head on. I stood staring at the parrot for ages wondering how to get this massive cage and bird in my midget car. Then it began to speak, at first we had pleasant "Holas" but rapidly it turned to swearing.

Oh my god the parrot swore more than me, and that is saying something, I had a constant babble of " madre puta" and "joder" although this was amazing, it was loud! So, I drove the parrot home, being screamed at all the way, and settled it for the night. Well in fact I threw a cover over it and left it alone.

The next day the parrot had to go to its new home, so off we went again, but this time it was in the car under a cover. Everything was going well, the parrot was quiet, the sun was shining, and then the Guardia stepped out in front of me.

No cause for concern, I had all my paperwork, I handed it over, smiled sweetly, and then he looked at the huge square covered shape in the back. He asked what it was, a parrot I replied, he then asked to see it. This is when my heart sank, I knew exactly what the bloody feathered creature was capable of saying.

As I removed the cover the parrot said Hola, the Guardia replied with a Hola, amused by the parrot, and just at that point it let rip. I had no where to run or hide as the parrot called the Guardia many names, some I could not simply repeat.

He turned to me, as I mumbled its not mine, its a friends, and I am sooooooooo sorry, thankfully a smile broke out on his face, and he called his companion over! Ten minutes of parrot abuse later, and I was allowed to continue my journey, Why o why are children and animals allowed to get away with so much more than adults!

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Female Charm!

I am a great believer in the fact that there are very few things that woman cannot do, I would love to say they can do everything, but this is unrealistic! However, I will roll my sleeves up with the men, and get on with most jobs.

There are always times though when a man can be useful, and when the pumps broke on the house last week, and I needed the water diverted a man was needed. It is not because I couldn't do this task, I just could not be bothered to learn how to, and struggle doing it.

We made a call to the axe murderer next door, and he arrived full of smiles and helpful advise. He loves to show off his knowledge about all things well....frankly boring. Do I care how to get the water into the house, diverted past the tanks, quite frankly no!.

He however, loves this information, so i let him think that I was remotely interested and he diverted the water, voile task completed, and not a broken nail in sight. Then the leak appeared, well more of a gush than a leak, and I knew I had to turn on the ultra charm.

We explained that hubby was at work, and I was at home all alone, with the kids, and couldn't possibly fix the leak all by myself. The axe murderer stared at me for a while, and with that I gave him a huge smile, followed with a girly giggle. This prompted him to fetch his tools, and repair my leak.

With a lot of huffing and puffing he had fixed the leak, and I was happy I had water. Proving yet again that "tits" and "teeth" work every time, especially when you promise to return the guys rooster that is happily camped out in my chicken pen!

Monday, 10 March 2014

The Animals can Sniff out Food!

We are rapidly discovering how many animals the neighbour has, due to the fact they keep popping over for food! We noticed a small grey cat the other day, not one of ours, it lingered for a while, I gave it some biscuits and then it vanished.

A few minutes later I turned around and it was back, with two of its friends following. He must have rushed off, grabbed his mates, and told them where the free food was. I noticed that my new friends were coming and going under he wall to next door.

So, he has cats as well, not very well fed it seems, and on the hunt for anyone that would feed them. They came and went throughout the day enjoying the generosity of the free buffet that was on offer. That night as we were feeding our own ever growing colony of cats, we saw another cat.

This one also jumped over the wall and back into next door, hmmmm how many bloody cats does this guy have in there. Now, I have no issue with cat hoarding, as I am fast becoming the crazy cat lady myself, however, he blatantly wasn't feeding them.

Then yesterday I was wandering to the kennels and spotted a chicken, it wasn't one of ours, and then I watched next doors rooster fly over the wall. He was followed by three more chickens, they flew over ran down to the chicken area, an stood at the fence. It seems they had heard about the free buffet and they wanted some food.

I am truly hoping that the warthog doesn't appear wanting lunch, or god forbid what else he has next door! Might be easier just to buy the guy some animal feed before all his animals move in.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Jogging With Your Goat

When I drive my daughter down in the morning for her lift to school, there is rarely anyone about. The odd crazy driver deciding to drive in the middle of the road, but not a lot else. As I drive back upt mountain, it provides the perfect time to think about what I have to fit into my busy day.

The other morning as I drove back, there was a guy jogging down the mountain, now jogging I understand as it is a great way to get fit and provides excellent thinking time. I noticed that he had a dog behind him, which again brilliant way to exercise your dog.

As he got closer to me, I was starring at the "dog" as it was running in a strange way down the mountain. More like a leap than a run and as he got closer again, I realised that the animal he was jogging with was in fact a goat. Now, either he was running away from the goat, and I misunderstood the situation, or he was in fact jogging with a goat.

Both of these scenarios are strange, and as i passed him he smiled, and did not appear terrified of the goat behind him. Therefore, he must have known the goat was there, and he was simply out for a morning jog with his goat. Hmmmmmm and people say I am strange!

Saturday, 1 March 2014

Duck Addict

I need/want some new ducks, but I want small, cute fluffy ducks, and I do not think this is too much to ask. However, it seems on this island it is, as there are NO ducks. I have found some adult ducks, but even then not a lot of them, and even my usual "dodgy" contacts can find me no ducks.

I feel as if I have asked everyone, and even Mrs K though is usually excellent at finding things on the Internet has come up short. In all fairness, she did find lanzarote...wrong island! She also told me that she found some in a cardboard box a while ago, well that is helpful go and plant another box and lets see what happens!

Every waking moment I find myself logging in and searching for ducks, I am starting to wonder if I have a problem! I have asked the dodgy chicken man, the neighbours, friends of friends, I have phoned pet stores, and feed rooms and still no ducks! Now either my duck eating neighbour has eaten every single duck, or the chinese restaurants have beaten me to it again!

How can one island have hairless rats, worms, chickens, pigs, and snakes, but no ducks! You will be amazed at what animals are for sale but no ducks, so as I still and wait...(not patient) as you recall I am planning a massive duck breeding programme when I finally get ducks, as there appears to be a HUGE shortage.

Maybe duck farming is the way forward.......lets let breeding Mrs K....