Do You Want Cock?

Many of my Spanish friends will type in English to me when we are talking, this seems to achieve two things, it helps them to improve their English, and provides me with a daily chuckle. I admire the fact that they want to improve their second language, and it is never their fault when I sit with my phone in my hand chuckling like a schoolgirl.

So, my phone went off and there was a message from Mrs C, who on the whole is excellent at speaking in English, and typically causes no major outbursts. However, anyone that sends me "Do you want cock?" is going to get a line of laughing faces back. This typically does offend the Spanish, as they often don't understand why the laughing faces, but come on Do you want Cock was always going to create that answer.

Mrs C then came back with "What? What did I say wrong?" I explained that it was nothing, just my crap foreign humor, however, Mrs C is one to Google and learn, so the next thing that came back was " Cock,,,Rooster...Correct?" yes , yes I replied, and then the screenshot came, faster than lightening she had googled cock!

All I could think was what Google did she use, and OMG what a definition, she clearly at this point understood my laughing faces emoticon. Mrs C was mortified that she had asked if I wanted the male reproductive organ, and I explained it was fine, maybe just a little early for a rough bent up cock! 

The next photo she sent was of the cock.... all was revealed, I agreed to take the cock, and there ended the English lesson for that day!

Coffee the Magical Substance that Can Save Your Life

I always thought that Americans drink a lot of coffee, however, the Spanish rank right at the top, as they consume a lot throughout the day. The also have a fantastic ability of making up new coffees at all times, which will often cause confusion when in a local bar. Many Spanish drink dark, strong coffee that really can wake the dead. This leaves us foreigners the delight of a cafe con leche, and in fact this was the first thing I learnt to say in Spanish.

If you know me, you will know I love coffee, in fact I drink a lot, which is often cause for concern for many people. However, I can assure you you should worry more if the coffee runs out in my house! I don't consider my coffee drinking to be an overindulgence, in fact it it healthy for you to drink a lot of coffee!

I am often told that high levels of coffee will kill me, this is a huge myth and even drinking the quantity I do will not bring the grim reaper knocking on my door any time soon. I am also told that I will become a nervous wreck from all the caffeine, and although there are days when I am twitchy , I am never nervous.

The smell of coffee in fact relaxes me, if I walk into a room where the coffee is brewing I have an overwhelming calm feeling. Coffee stimulates the nervous system, therefore, if you want me to be calm, pop some coffee on before I arrive. In a recent study sleep deprived rats were calmer after catching the aroma of freshly brewed coffee... I know how they feel...

Coffee is also a fantastic way to produce order in my life, it is a small but effective ritual that happens several times a day. However, coffee must be served in just the right way, Some people simply do not get this fact! It is not just a cup of coffee it is MY cup of coffee. So, if you want to get on my good side, ensure that my day goes well, and that there are no dead bodies....brew coffee, and take the time to sit and drink this amazing cup of liquid sanity!

One Long Easter Egg Hunt

When the fence came down from the chicken area, we all thought this would make life easier, and everyone would be happy. We thought this was a great way to ensure that the eggs were really free range, and I stupidly believed that the chickens would continue to lay in the boxes!

However, in a short space of time, I am now wishing the fences were back up, it is like having an army of small feathers troops ready to annoy and destroy. They go everywhere, I find chickens in the stables, duck house, under my car, and quite often tormenting the dogs.

Although egg production is good, we spend half the day picking up random eggs, as the chickens lay EVERYWHERE. If there is a gap, bucket, bin, feed bucket, or bag they are in there laying. So every day we go off with a bucket, and collect eggs from every last inch of the property. The other issue is that the chickens now let them selves in and out, a bit like a wayward teenager.

Some are incredibly rebellious, and do not go to bed until dark, and others are up before it is light.... maybe it is the same chicken and it just never sleeps. ALL I do know is that they always turn up for food, again like a teenager. So to fence or not to fence...... hmmm the debate continues!

One Man A Pig and a Goose

I am well known in the area as the crazy lady who takes animals, but there are some occasions when even I say NO! As everyone knows I am often in bed well before my children, unfortunately the Spanish never understand this and feel 9pm is a suitable time to be sat outside my gates.... hand on horn!

The other night Mr P turned up, placed hand on horn, and kept it there until we appeared, this was my first issue, closely followed by the fact it was dark and cold. We didn't even have time to do hello's and how are you's before he launched in to I have a pig for you!

The next 20 minutes were strange even by my standards....

ME: A pig?
Mr P: yes a pig, in my car, for you
ME: I dont want a pig
Mr P: Take the pig
ME: I dont want a pig
Mr P Take the pig
ME: You take the pig
Mr P What am I supposed to do with a pig
ME: errrr what am I supposed to with a pig
Mr P let it loose in the stables
ME: not happening
Mr P so, you are not taking the pig
ME: where did you get the pig
Mr P I " borrowed" it from....... (cannot be named sorry lol)
ME: well return it
Mr P how?
ME: presumably the same way you took it
Mr P but we may be caught!
ME: You are worrying about this now when you have a pig on the backseat of your car in the middle of the night!!

At this point Mr P walked round to the boot of his car, opened it...looked in and said " I presume you dont want the goose either" Head in hands I walked off, wondering how the hell they had managed to get a pig and goose out of a well known place on the island, and why the hell they thought it was a good idea to do so, and bring them to me. Therefore, please be warned, I may just say no and leave you holding the PIG!

Integration...

We had the call...the battery farm were releasing the chickens....so off we went armed with boxes, and our hand full of pennies for these long suffering birds. I wanted 40 chickens, this is never enough for the amount that will be killed, but it is my way of helping. These chickens are yet another animal that has become the victim of a throw away world.

So, with my chickens boxes, and in the car off we went, and in typical of my life fashion i was in a rush. I had about 20 minutes to do 100 things, and get the chickens integrated in with the others. Now, I have read all the excellent advice about placing new chickens in a separate area, allowing new and old to merge slowly etc etc what did I do, pulled up in the property and emptied boxes of chickens onto the floor.

Now before everyone goes in to one about not doing it correctly, when have you ever known me do anything correctly! Also chickens are heavy, and they were fine, they all stood in a huddle surrounded by other chickens, rabbits and goats....with a look of WTF. With the chickens integrated in record fast speeds, I leap back in my car to continue with jobs 70-100..

When I returned the chickens had moved.....they were all lined up along the fence....laying eggs...hmmmm not quite the way it is done girls, but hey at least they are laying!

REALLY!!! Do we Honestly Need Snow!

Following the tradition of ex pats whinging about the weather, I find myself doing it again. As temperatures have not risen, and the threat of colder temperatures are printed, my mood deteriorates. Even the words snow have been mentioned, which is simply unacceptable, and I will die! Ok, maybe not, and even a close friend informed me I was being a drama Queen, however, do we really need snow?

The thing that gets me the most, and maybe due to the fact I have a short temper at the moment, is people in the UK stating "oh its not as cold as here" and "it cant be that cold" Errr hello I am living in these temperatures, so please do not tell me it is not that cold. The biggest issue that people in their nice cosy houses with their central heating on full blast fail to realize, is we do not have heating.

Not only do I not have heating, but I have holes in my goat shed, not massive ones, but holes that ensure every bit of cold air enters. This means that at the moment, even the onion plan does not work, and I have become more of a giant pumpkin than an onion. I have at least 4 layers on all day, and all night, only adding, never taking away.

So with the fact that I can never get warm, the weather people then decided to announce snow is due..... Now before everyone starts, I know they do not mean in resort! However, I do not live in resort, so to be honest I don't care. What I do care about is that I am up a mountain, in the cold, with the threat of snow.

Therefore, I would like to announce that if someone finds my frozen corpse due to dying of the cold....it was nice knowing you all. I leave the Unicorns to the voice of reason...and the goats to Mr J.......

Horses are like Crisps.......You Can Never Have Just One!

The unicorn has been here nearly a year, and although there have been tough times with him, he is part of our family. I had never ruled out the idea of getting another horse, mainly as a companion for Magic, but also had to consider the extra cost. Alongside the cost, there is the fact that I do not have enough time to brush my hair these days, let alone cope with more animals.

Then I received the phone call, now my phone rings all day, with people asking me to take their animals, mainly dogs. I have learnt to be hard, and say NO....although this does not always happen. The power of social media and technology in our lives, means that people back their requests up with photos. So, when I am asked to help a horse that needs somewhere to go, there was no real doubt I was going to say no.

The photos I was sent were of an old, worn down horse, who simply deserved better, why should he not live his days being loved, fed and respected. The horse turned out to be 18, and had been owned by an old Spanish man who had to leave his home, and move to a retirement place. This was not his choice, but his head strong family thought they knew what was best.

Over the years he had allowed headcollers to remain on the horse for far too long, he had been left to go hungry when there was no food, and his joints had got stiff from never leaving his small make shift home. I agreed to take the horse, and from that moment his life changed, people commented that he was not skin and bone, and did he need "saving".

I think this raises the question, of what does need saving in the world, you can have the strongest person or animal, yet they are incredibly unhappy. Happiness and good health are not measured by the condition of your skin, or how much you eat, it is measured by a deep feeling inside.

Was the horse unhappy, who knows, all I do know is he has regular food, gets to roll in the dirt, and live with no expectations at all. There are far too many people that rescue animals, horses in particular to use for riding, old rescue horses are used as they are often cheap. It is a sad world we live in that rescue animals are used for commercial gain, and not simply allowed to be happy and retire in peace.

How Cold?

This winter has been strange, one minute it is hot, the next wet, and then we plummet to sub zero temperatures, ok maybe not, however, it has been very cold. I hate the cold, and it hates me, one of the reasons I left the UK was to escape the cold, yet it appears to be following me!

I am a cold blooded, some would say I have a rock instead of a heart, oh well, still alive, but this winter it has been harsh. Although the temperatures are not minus anything, it has dropped to below 10c in areas which is unheard of here in GC. This has resulted in me becoming an onion, yes an onion, and ensuring that I have at least five layers on at any given time.

There have even been nights where I have crawled into bed in my jumpers, do not judge until you feel the cold! The onion process is good, I leave the house in the morning typically wearing five layers, byt the time I have driven down the mountain one comes off. Hitting the motorway causes another to be removed, and by the time I reach the south, there are clothes all over my car.

The process is repeated throughout the day, layers on, layers off....this is the way I have coped with the last few months, and it is effective. So next time you see me and you think I have put on weight, nope it is simply the layers! Roll on summer, when I can moan how hot it is here!

Free Ranging!

My unicorn is far from magical, and it tests my patience on a daily basis, he often ends up where he shouldn't and has no boundaries at all. The other day we went out, no where exciting, just away from the chaos, which is always a bad thing to do. Within an hour, my phone rang, Magic was in the chicken pen..... no if you know my property, you will know that the chicken pen is a 6ft chain link fence, cemented into the ground with poles.

So, of course my next question was how the hell he was in the chicken pen, to be told that he had simply walked through it, taking the fence, wall, poles, and cement with him. Before you ask, nope nothing scared him, he simply wanted the chicken feed. In his desire to get to the feeder, he has demolished a whole fence, and got stuck.

Eventually the small people managed to return Magic to where he should be, but the fence was no more. When I returned, I simply shook my head and kept walking, the fence could wait until morning. The next day the debate started, do we rebuild, make stronger, or design another fence. At this point I honestly thought what the hell, lets just take down the fence. Magic had done most of the work, and what is the worst that could happen having 50 chickens wandering around the property.

So, the fence came down, the chickens came out.......and they went no where, they were so used to being in the fence that they did not venture anywhere. Well for the first few days at least, we now have animals everywhere. When you walk in to our property, you will notice that the cats, goats, chickens, ducks, horses and even the rabbits are out and about.

Rotting Corpses!

The other night when the builder was here it occurred to me that we had not heard the neighbours for a while, she has such a distinctive voice, a bit like nails on a blackboard that there is no mistaking when she is around. A discussion then begun about what to do if they were dead, of course they could not be on holiday, they had to be dead.

I mentioned that if they were dead, and we found their rotting corpses, I would take my roof back that he stole, the builder took that one step further and commented, if there were rotting corpses take everything! By the time he had left I had wound myself up into a state believing that both pedro his annoying wife and all the animals were dead!

The next day we begun to plan "operation dead Pedro" now to be honest I didn't care if he had departed this earth, I was worried for the animals. Therefore, I stood on our wall looking in to the property, but as his is some distance of us this was never going to work. Throughout the day we listened for her voice, the car, the annoying yappy dogs, and nothing.

So, I had no choice but to leap over the wall, into his property to begin my rotting corpse search. Now to say he lives in a house would be a lie, in fact his shed is worse than my goat shed, so there wasn't much to explore. I decided to find a window to look in, and all I could think was have you never heard of glass cleaner!

There I am peering through a dirty window, when suddenly I felt someone was watching me, oh yes Pedro was stood behind me with a look of WTF are you doing. As I turned and smiled sweetly, I begun to walk backwards really quickly, muttering "sorry I thought you were dead.....and you should really clean your windows" Both statements he was not impressed with at all, yet again I seemed to have failed at how to make friends with the neighbours!

Small things in Life!

Everytime I turn around there is a new leak, and I had begun to realise that we simply did not have enough buckets to cope. It wasn't because I didn't want to pay to have them fixed, it was because I couldn't find anyone who would a) drive up here as it is just sooooooo far and b) do the job properly. I typically stay away from brit builders as I have had far too many bad experiences with them, and also they are the first to say "I'm not driving up there it is so far"

However, Mrs N recommended a builder and if she liked him he must be good, I was also told he drank as much coffee as me in a day so he must be brilliant. The builder arrived for a "look" this is more than a lot of them have ever done, and he didn't get lost and was on time! As we wandered around looking at one leak after another, he asked to see the dogs. Another plus point, the guy liked dogs, it was going well.

Before he managed to leave I had found him 300 other jobs, and we had agreed a price and a day. Well Monday couldn't come quick enough, I was fed up of buckets, and leaks. The builder was great he fixed the leaks, and soon discovered that new ones appeared...welcome to my world.

After a long day where he wouldn't give up and was determined to fix every last leak for me, I noticed that I had a shiney new tap on one of the pipes. I turned, smiled and said in a really girly voice, "oh, thanks I love the shiny new tap" He looked amused and said " you are easily pleased" Yes I am it is the small things in life that make me happy.

It is no Surprise Anymore!

Well my day started like any other, far too many things to do and not enough time. However, for once it was normal, boring things that needed doing. We were doing the routine, bank, post office, recycling shopping trip, which I hate at the best of times. The queues in Spain are a nightmare, and at this time of year they seem to go on for miles.

I had left the post office until last as this is the one I hate the most, however, on this day it suddenly got interesting. As we sat and watched the long line of people with the boxes of gifts to be sent to friends and family, I noticed one was moving. At this point I was interested what was in the box, my initial though was if you are posting a puppy, you had better put some bigger air holes in the box!!

Me being me had to ask, so off we went to randomly ask the man with the box what was in the box, and he casually answered with "A duck" Posting it anywhere nice was the next thing out of my mouth, which didn't seem to hit the humorous note it was intended. At this point he thought I was just stupid and not funny, and explained he was intending to simply let the duck go!

Well mouth engaged before brain, and the words " I will take the duck" fell out of my mouth. The next moments were a blur he smiled, handed me the box and I found myself sat in the car with yet another duck in a box! How do I manage it everytime I go somewhere, as we headed home hubby messaged and asked "did you get washing powder" I replied "nope but I have a duck" ....he didnt even ask why or where or how, a simple OK came back...... It seems that I do not shock people anymore, I must try harder!

Sharing Food

Magic has never been very good about sharing food, however, we have a breakthrough as he allowed King Julian near his food this week. Now we are not sure if he intended to share, or he just couldn't see the small, sneaky goat under his nose. For at least 10 minutes there was a definite sharing thing going on, and I even had time to take photos.

In magic's defence shortly after the photo he did chase the goats away in a fierce, I will kill you motion. But we have small steps forward, he no longer wants to kill and bite everything within a 4 mile radius of his food. Maybe after another 5 years we can remove the approach with caution stickers!

One Stop Treatment Shop

I am often at the vets, and joke that they should treat me for different ailments, as I am far too busy to go to the doctor. Therefore, why was I not surprised the other day when the vet did exactly that. I have been bitten by a cat, now this may not sound anything serious, however, it hurts like F**k.

Bites are common with what I do, and I can say I have been bitten by all animals, and cats are the worst, they simply do not let go. so when catching a cat the other day it latched on to my finger, and the next minute there was more blood than a murder scene. Although the teeth are small they bloody hurt!

One cat caught, my finger started to swell, and then go black, and then fill with puss, all a lovely sight for everyone. I kept looking at the finger thinking I must do something with it, but got caught up with a busy day, and headed off to the vets. Whilst at the vets my rather big mouthed daughter decided to tell the vet, hoping he would encourage me to go to the doctors.

Encouragement was not what happened, in a swift ninja maneuver, the vet had hold of my finger, in a vice like grip. For a small guy he is strong, as I soon discovered when I tried to wriggle free. He had hold of my throbbing finger, and was not letting go. As the needle appeared I knew the next few minutes would be make or break.

As the needle went in, and the squeezing began, I could only think of one thing.......I was going to kill my daughter. Finger all squeezed I was allowed it back, and through gritted teeth thanked the vet for his treatment, and then turned to my daughter and said " revenge is a dish best served cold!"

Wet Weekend!

We were placed on storm alert, and everyone panicked, however, this time it was for real, as the  rain came down I got wetter and wetter! I wasn't at home when the rain started, however, I got minute by minute updates from hubby. These were informing me what was leaking, and it soon became apparent more leaked than we could have ever imagined.

When you build something through the summer months, you are never sure of how good the joins will be, and although we needed it to rain to see where it leaked, maybe not as much rain was needed. The skies seemed to have simply opened a valve and let the whole contents out. The roads were flooded, the people were moaning, and the animals were wet!

Now rain is fine, we need rain, however, with rain comes mud, and mud brings mess, and this brings stress. The ducks loved the rain, the unicorn did not, as he stood and watched my every move with a look of complete disgust! The goats were wary to get their feet wet, and the chickens ran for cover. The dogs decided that they would become hippo's and basically buried and rolled.

Finally the rain stopped, and the sun came out, we begun to clean up....and then the rain started again. At this point it was decided to simply watch and wait, there was no point in getting even wetter. So I spent the weekend wet not moist, which some would say was a good result!

Nature Can be Strange!

Sometimes nature can be a mysterious thing, and other times it can simply be a bitch!. Gloria the bionic goat unfortunately died last week. We don't think it had anything to do with the surgery, it was just "one of those things" I am beginning to hate that expression, why can we not have an answer, why are so many things left to "just one of those things"

Gloria was doing well, she was eating, up and seemed to be thriving with her bolt, until one night she simply did not wake up. Who knows why maybe nature just decided that all the money, care and love was simply not enough. What did nature want my first born child? my sanity? nope it just wanted my goat! So we are back to two, and they are running around causing havoc in a goat like manner.

I find myself yet again stating "oh well you cannot save them all" doesn't make it any easier or better though!

RIP little Gloria

Squashed Chicken!

Leading on from Magic being heavy handed with the goats, he has also managed to squash a chicken this week! I hold my head in my hands some days, especially when you walk past and see a completely flat chicken in his stable. Obviously the pullets that live with him decided that sleeping right behind the great lump was a good idea.

Magic must have rolled over and voile...pancake chicken. I can't really blame the unicorn, firstly it is his stable, his domain, and no one else is stupid enough to be in there. However, the pullets were born in there, and therefore, believe it is there home too. I think it may be time to put them with the big girls and boys, and let magic have some alone time where he cannot squash small creatures!

Most Expensive Goat in History!

Yesterday started like any other, magic and the goats running around like nutters, until disaster struck. Magic tends to forget that he is a 400KG animal, therefore, a quick movement knocking the small 3KG goat over was going to hurt. Gloria was still, making small bleating noises, we knew he had done more than knock the wind out of her. As soon as I picked her up her leg fell, and I didn't need xrays to tell me it was broken.

At this point a million things go through your head, as I work with animals all day I knew this was going to be a costly accident. We rung our vet to get initial advise, we knew he only dealt with domestic animals, but hey he is a vet. We also made other calls and the answer was always the same.....put a bullet in her head, she is only a goat, and not worth the cost!

I agreed the cost was something that was concerning, however, Gloria is more than "just" a goat, she is part of our family. I decided to take her down to our vet, which caused huge interest sat in the waiting room with a goat in a transport box! You would think that it was an elephant the way people were starring...."come on people have you never seen a goat before"

So, much discussion happened, the vet determined that she had snapped her leg at the hip, there was no quick fix, there was no splint, all I was left with was operating...or death. Now thankfully Gloria is a teeny pygmy goat, which weighs just 3KG, enabling the vet to agree to operate. I flippantly asked how many goats he had operated on in the past...his answer "None"

We left Gloria in the safe hands of the vet, he operated for 4 hours, and bolted the leg, the operation was a success, and we left with a goat, instructions to watch her all night as her tongue kept getting stuck in her throat and a  huge vets bill. Mrs L messaged to ask how the goat was, and then proceeded to tell me I was insane, the goat wasn't worth that much.

Although, I agree on many levels Gloria is just a goat, why should that matter...I save animals. I choose to have them here, which means through better and worse we will save them even if it means we starve for a few months. Who needs food anyway! Also, we do now in fact have a bionic goat that is worth a fortune.

Making Money is Impossible

Many people do not know that alongside being the chief and captain of all things chaotic, I also work a full time job. So does my husband, and out oldest daughter, when people discover this they are shocked as they seem to think we are loaded. Now this poses the question....do I work because I am insane, have huge bags of cash under the bed, but have a sick and twisted desire to be exhausted, or does this mean we are living hand to mouth. 

We look after peoples dogs, and also some of the animal charities keep their dogs here, which they pay for, but apart from the eggs there is no other income. Also, a huge proportion of the dogs that are here are up to me to pay for, as well as the feed for the unicorn, chickens, goats, ducks, small furries and cats. This means I think about money a lot! Not in a yippee I have so much of it, but more of a oh shit how am I supposed to pay for that.

Animal rescue is tough, there is no money or profit, so why do I do this, maybe because I am insane! There is never an end to the amount of money that animals cost. Rehoming them brings small donations, which means that the shortfall is left to me. This is when I tend to play ostrich and stick my head in the sand, and pretend that the ever growing vets bill is not there! 

I am asked so many times "why do you do this if there is no money in it" ........well let me think, these animals did not ask to be born, they did not ask to be abandoned and starved. Can I save them all nope, but I can save some! Although I think about money a lot, I do not worry about it, when you start to worry you get stressed. We work, we earn money, animals get saved, donations come in...it is the circle of life. So, the next time you see me and I look tired, remember that is from working, juggling my life....and of course saving the world!

The Island NEVER Changes!

A year ago we made the tough decision to leave the home we loved due to public abuse, lies and betrayal from people who I thought were friends. A lot went on after the "leaf" incident, and to this day the woman who caused the most problems continues with her lies. Claims that we nailed nails into the trees to kill them, or refused to give any leaves away in a power hungry manner, are simply not true! I do wonder if you have so little in your life that you need to lie constantly.

I could of over the last 12 months joined in the gossip and lies, however, I am a believer in karma. For all those people that lied back then, and continue to do so now, I laugh at you!. I may live in a goat shed in the middle of a field, yet I am happy, and do not need to make other peoples lives a misery for fun. I simply sit back and watch you all destroy each other.

Karma is an excellent thing, and although I am no angel I do chuckle when you all have mis fortune, death, and illness, and I am happy, healthy and content. This island is incredibly small, and the people on it are even more small.....well in their minds at least! The biggest thing that makes me laugh is rumours, why do people always love gossip, hatred, and lies. They never see the good in people, or thank people, or ant anyone to be happy and successful.

So, for the people that hate me oh well, continue reading my blog, and my FB posts to see what I am writing. Yes this blog is aimed at you, and hopefully when karma bites you on the arse, you will remember the people that you hurt on your power hungry journey. I will on the other hand sit back and laugh and thank you for making me realise who my friends truly are, and why I am on this journey!