Monday, 25 February 2013

Top things no one ever tells you about owning a farm

The closest many people come to being on a farm is the Saturday afternoon trip to the perfectly kept petting farm down the road, where the animals are perfect, there is no poop, and nothing smells. The reality is so different, and these are my top things that no one ever tells you:

1. Animals are gross by nature, and love being gross, they will wait until the perfect opportunity to increase this grossness. Every animal appears to produce a huge amount of poop, and they do not care where they go, which typically includes over their water feeders, food containers, and sleeping area. My chickens are so athletic that they manage to poop over the top as well as the sides. This means they must perform a flying leap, with perfect bowel movement timing as they fly over.

2. Animals are violent, we may think that they are cute, but you only have to watch them for a period of time to realise that they are incredibly violent. The animals that you encounter at the petting zoo's have had their spirit broken by the thousands of little hands rubbing their heads. The inbuilt DNA of animals is to hurt everything in its path. Watch Jack for a while and you will see what I mean, the moment you break eye contact he is there head bent, ready to charge!

3. Holidays simply do not exist, you will not be able to leave for longer than two hours without chaos descending rapidly. Asking your friends to pop over and feed the cat and water the plants is a thing of the past, no one could cope with your madness. Every part of the place is waiting for you to leave, to plot its revenge. The only way out is to breed workers, who you can leave in the future before you go completely insane.

4. Everyone that lives near you is insane, inbred or waiting to kill you and bury the body. The popular shouts of "get off my land" can be heard for miles, and often the Spanish farmers will carry guns, and never be afraid to use them on anyone that ventures too close. You have to drive through the neighbourhood windows closed, and only wave when they wave first, or it will be seen as a sign of weakness.


No comments:

Post a Comment