Saturday, 27 October 2012

Why I don't leave the house

People often ask me why I don't leave the house that much, and a few are concerned that I am turning into a hermit. The truth is the effort to leave my bubble, sometimes  just isn't worth the hassle, as it is like a scene from the Krypton Factor Assault course. Where I don't come out of the end of it a winner, but a very poor loser!

Take yesterday as an example, I was meeting someone for coffee  a very special lady, who has always been there for me, and who I speak to everyday, but rarely get to see. So, this was a monumental occasion, and I had even brushed my hair and put on a clean top! So, I was ready, I took two deep breathes and picked up my phone, keys and bag and went to leave...this is where the chaos begins..

I have to grab the kitten and make sure that she is in the house, as she is too little to be outside, whilst trying to push Charlie, the ever escaping Yorkshire terrier back into the house with my foot. This has to be done without causing attention to Max who believes that everything is a game, including trying to leave the house, OK part one complete...

Down the stairs and past the rabbits, oh crap they have no water, so reverse to the tap and fill the water bowls, moving on past the goats to discover that Jill has escaped through the fence and is heading up the mountain, oh double crap I've got flipflops on! Oh well no time to put boots on so into the orchard to get dirty feet, Jill back in the orchard, and note to self must clean feet with wipes in car!

Ok, I can see the car, it is in my sight, past the main orchard and all chickens present and correct, wait what's that I can see oh treble crap there are three escapees basking in the sunshine, shall I leave them, oh crap, crap,crap I know I can't, so off to the feed store to get corn. I have worked out that the chickens throw a victim over the fence everyday knowing that I will appear with corn to get it back in, hence they all get corn, which is quite a clever plan, just not today!!!

Escapees back in and sworn at, ok moving faster now as I am already late, I reach the car, throw my bag in and notice out of the corner of my eye there is a duck, which is a good thing, however  the duck is not where it is supposed to be. So, back out of the car, and round the ducks up, Jessica/Justin refuses to move, oh why today you stupid huge ugly duck!

Ducks back in pond, and I walk briskly to the car refusing to look left or right, focused on my goal of the gates. I drive down to the gates, open them, jump back in and drive through to the safety of the barranco, close the gates, and breathe...Off I go to civilisation  and coffee I have made it..only 20 minutes late, with dirty feet oh crap, I still need to clean my feet, oh well they are under the table, and people wonder why I don't leave the house!

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